What happens when you don’t even care about getting high anymore, when it fails to continue to give that sense of contentment or, I daresay, happiness? You’re just left with an addiction.
I have been trying since Sunday to ween myself off opiates. I wanted to be off by now, but of course I’m not fully off them yet. Tolerance is low, need is lower than it has been in weeks, patience is low, mood is low. How is it that I feel more like a druggie now than before when I wasn’t popping as many pills? It makes no sense.
I’ve been too open with some about it. What a mistake. But I also can’t expect anyone to really get it, either. I’m open about the problem but I’m not open about the feeling[s] involved. I expect people to connect the dots and end up disappointed when they don’t. I can’t really blame anyone, but would some fucking basic understanding at minimum be too much to ask?
Some just don’t think. But I recognize that being open [or an attempt] about this issue, even online — only online — with those I interact with has been a mistake. I thought being able to talk about it might help, and the idea of being able to speak freely is nice, but neither pans out how I thought or wished. I feel judged. I feel stupid for thinking that anything else would happen. It’s understandable, and it’s fair, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.
Sometimes it’s nice to think that there’s a figure in favorite media that you can relate to. But what I really think is that its time to get off the wrong pills and back on to the right ones.