every little thing

is gonna be all right.

nature has many checks and balances, and I'm currently being checked for being out of balance.
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What happens when you don’t even care about getting high anymore, when it fails to continue to give that sense of contentment or, I daresay, happiness? You’re just left with an addiction.

I have been trying since Sunday to ween myself off opiates. I wanted to be off by now, but of course I’m not fully off them yet. Tolerance is low, need is lower than it has been in weeks, patience is low, mood is low. How is it that I feel more like a druggie now than before when I wasn’t popping as many pills? It makes no sense.

I’ve been too open with some about it. What a mistake. But I also can’t expect anyone to really get it, either. I’m open about the problem but I’m not open about the feeling[s] involved. I expect people to connect the dots and end up disappointed when they don’t. I can’t really blame anyone, but would some fucking basic understanding at minimum be too much to ask? 

Some just don’t think. But I recognize that being open [or an attempt] about this issue, even online — only online — with those I interact with has been a mistake. I thought being able to talk about it might help, and the idea of being able to speak freely is nice, but neither pans out how I thought or wished. I feel judged. I feel stupid for thinking that anything else would happen. It’s understandable, and it’s fair, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes. 

Sometimes it’s nice to think that there’s a figure in favorite media that you can relate to. But what I really think is that its time to get off the wrong pills and back on to the right ones.

Posted 3 weeks ago With 0 notes

reblog 188

Tagged: #op

  • God: I am god
  • Moses: no way
  • God: Yahweh

Posted 2 months ago With 34,530 notes

Tagged: #omfy

boredanum:

give a junkie a haystack and he’ll find the needle

Posted 3 months ago With 374 notes

The worst part about opiates are that they work best when you’re off [or in my case, nearly off] them in general.

I haven’t gotten a high this solid in weeks - months, maybe, yet I was so close to getting off pills in general. I was taking nothing but Tramadol, give or take, for about two weeks. I could withdraw off that, I think, with ease compared to trying to withdraw after taking 30+ mgs a day in an array of pharmaceuticals. How many times am I going to say to my close friends, online or off, “pardon my shortness/disappearance, I’m coming off shit” before it actually happens?

But fuck dillys are great.

Posted 3 months ago With 1 note

Tagged: #traf #one piece

wish-u-were-heroin:

The only bad thing about opiates is how quickly your tolerance builds. God damnit.

Amen. The worst part about trying to get off is knowing that your tolerance drops and opiates will work best then.

Posted 3 months ago With 41 notes

Tagged: #opiates

I just wrote a whole post on pills and trying to come down and off but it seems that my reluctance in talking about this remains strong, even on a new blog. I want to get it out somewhere but where does one really start?

I have a problem with opiate painkillers. Few people know online, and even fewer know offline. There aren’t a lot of people, on or offline, that can relate and I suppose I’m looking to see others who do/done/trying not to do opiates.

I don’t boot, won’t boot, despite being trained in phlebotomy because I don’t want to open that door. I usually snort. When I’m feeling blue, I usually can only get my hands on 15s or 30s, otherwise its morphine or Ds. I take vics when I’m just trying to ‘stay normal’ [i.e. not come down], and I’ll replace those with Tramadol when I can. Despite that, I still have a hard time coming off shit.

I’m trying. If you are too, or aren’t - I don’t care - come say hello and maybe we’ll strike up a conversation.

Posted 3 months ago With 1 note

Tagged: #test